Tag Archives: life

Three Hundred Sixty Three: Fluidity

 

“What makes a river so restful to people is that it doesn’t have any doubt – it is sure to get where it is going, and it doesn’t want to go anywhere else.” – Hal Boyle

Tuesday, December 30th

Tonight my husband found out that one of his elders – a Rasta gentleman who has been a mentor and a strength – is on his journey towards forwarding on.

Death has always been at an arm’s length from me. Someone dear whom I know was living and now he or she isn’t. I haven’t seen the rapid decline. I haven’t felt the true deep sadness of their passing. Tonight has felt profound. Profoundly sad. More than that, I have felt the profoundly grace and integrity in this man’s choice to react to his illness in the way that he has. There is a quiet, calm, and compassionate way to die. And doesn’t that hold us to the world in somewhat of a stronger way?

Are you afraid of death?

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Three Hundred Fifty Five: Thanks

“In a stuck moment, it’s hard to see positive forces when obstacles are blaring and fears are looming. This is a good time to be grateful. Not grateful for what has us stuck, but appreciating what doesn’t. Gratitude helps us see our situation is a way that can lessen panic, and could open up our thinking to new solutions.”  – “Unstuck” author

Monday, December 22nd

Today the world starts to get a little brighter, one moment at a time. Solstice one eve behind me, I have been reflecting on change and renewal and it is all met a certain degree of fear and trepidation. Will I ever have what it takes to manifest the life that I’ve always wanted?

It’s a trick question, really. I have the life I’ve always wanted because I’m unbearably stuck on figuring it all out. I overanalyze. I dig. I’m terribly shy but I like to ask other people questions about what makes them tick. I make terrible mistakes and know that I’m feeling my way through this messy experience…and might just grow a bit more along the way.

Today, I was tired. Body, mind, and soul tired. My husband took the kids out for a hike for the afternoon. When they returned, the noise was so nerve-wracking that I ended up yelling at the kids, and making everyone feel miserable. I wasn’t exactly the “Mother of the Year” today. I like to feel sorry for myself in times like this. Isn’t it a pity that I don’t have a babysitter? Why must my husband question me about why I’m talking to the kids like this? Why must I have insomnia? Wouldn’t it be nice if they all could let me sleep again and wake up refreshed with it all figured out? 

I am the number one Devil’s Advocate and once in a blue moon, I turn that on myself for the powers of good to ask better questions. Isn’t it wonderful that we’ve chosen to limit our time out to when we can have family and close friends watch the kids so that they have trusted adults around that we trust implicitly to care for them when we can’t? Aren’t I blessed to have a partner who calls me on my bullshit behaviors that need to be addressed – now, not tomorrow? Don’t I appreciate all the stuff I can get done or silent reflection I can enjoy when I am not sleeping? Why would I doubt my husband and children who don’t just let me sleep the day away because they love me and want to be around me and that my boy calling me “bad mommy” is not a personal attack but the only way that my little 4-year-old son knows how to communicate his frustrations for not being able to play with playdough instead of eat his lunch?

I am thankful for my life. I am thankful for the people I’ve brought into it, whom I’ve kept around, and especially those I’ve created. Sometimes I just need to take those critical deep breaths, sit with my knee-jerk emotions for one extra moment, and find that gratitude when it is most needed so I can respond with something other than anger and frustration.

When could you use a gratitude adjustment the most during your day?

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Three Hundred Eight: Blinkers

“Lack of direction, not lack of time, is the problem. We all have twenty-four hour days.” – Zig Ziglar

“I used to spend so much time reacting and responding to everyone else that my life had no direction. Other people’s lives, problems, and wants set the course for my life. Once I realized it was okay for me to think about and identify what I wanted, remarkable things began to take place in my life.” – Melody Beattie

Wednesday, November 5th

I have the family car two of the five days in the work week and Wednesday is one of those days. Lately, I’ve noticed how completely frustrating it is when I come to a stoplight where there is no through road and the person ahead of me does not use their turn signals. And in the short minute until the light turns green, I overanalyze how frustrating that must be when someone is directionless in life.

I don’t have my life mapped out. Let me be straight about that. It has taken a good amount of work over years to let go of expectations. But there is a difference in not having a modus operandi that drives you forward from day-to-day. This was something I didn’t have in my younger years, but now I feel self-assured and confident in some areas with a long list of areas that I am aware still need working on. I can’t imagine how entirely frustrating it would be to be in a partnership/family/relationship where there was absolutely no sense of what may happen next.

Do you have a game plan in life?

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Two Hundred Sixty: A Mundane Adventure

“Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.”  – Helen Keller

Thursday, September 18th

Am I really getting the meaning of this quote? When I read this quote I feel as if I should be out bungee jumping off of the Golden Gate Bridge or surfing 70 foot waves in Tahiti, or I’m just not grabbing life by the cojones. But does cojone-grabbing make a life?

The repetition, the boring moments and the knowledge that comes with familiarity of day-in day-out activities are what give me the time and bandwidth to really chew on the big questions in life. What is life all about? Am I doing the right thing? How many more films will Bill Murray make?

Do you crave non-stop adventure, solace or are you satisfied with whatever comes along?

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One Hundred Thirty Six: Look Up

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“You are the sky. Everything else – it’s just the weather.” – Pema Chödrön

Friday, May 16th

Sometimes I am reminded by the stresses and burdens in the world that I am really quite insignificant in the grand scheme of things. When I feel this way, I look up and am reminded that there are so many things in this world that I will never see or do or understand. And that is okay. Looking up into the expanse takes me to the void where I feel more connected to everything rather than disconnected.

Sometimes I just need to feel that sense of space too.

The kids and I had a beach playdate yesterday with my daughter’s classmate and her single Mom. She is a devoted mom and a student, and has little time for herself. After the playdate, my girl says to me, “Mom, I really want my friend to pick the place for our next playdate. It’s her turn and I want her to pick somewhere she wants to be.” Ahhh, the wisdom of children! Here I am focused on all of the factors of this Mom’s life that lead to her fatigue and limited choices, and my daughter goes straight to a solution. She looked up and saw the space to make a choice to better things – something she could do.

Is there a situation in your life where you could put down your judgments and do something to change or help?

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Sixty Seven: Handing in the Scanner

“We have to create culture, don’t watch TV, don’t read magazines, don’t even listen to NPR. Create your own roadshow. The nexus of space and time where you are now is the most immediate sector of your universe, and if you’re worrying about Michael Jackson or Bill Clinton or somebody else, then you are disempowered, you’re giving it all away to icons, icons which are maintained by an electronic media so that you want to dress like X or have lips like Y. This is shit-brained, this kind of thinking. That is all cultural diversion, and what is real is you and your friends and your associations, your highs, your orgasms, your hopes, your plans, your fears. And we are told ‘no’, we’re unimportant, we’re peripheral. ‘Get a degree, get a job, get a this, get a that.’ And then you’re a player, you don’t want to even play in that game. You want to reclaim your mind and get it out of the hands of the cultural engineers who want to turn you into a half-baked moron consuming all this trash that’s being manufactured out of the bones of a dying world.”   – Terence McKenna

And now please read this quote again. Sheesh. Just when I thought that Terence McKenna was relegated to the annals of my mind where I shelf psychedelic-influenced philosophers, I find this quote and I can’t stop reading it. I like to think that I’ve retained some of that youthful passionate fight for justice, but then I find myself reading about JLaw’s red carpet trip on Oscar night or I’ll find that I’ve completely missed a world news event. I know I’m doing the good work in raising two wonderful little children and that alone forces me to check myself regularly for areas to grow and improve upon, but I feel like I need to do a serious detox of a lot of crap that comes in and out of my life.

I want to be more present in my life. More and more, I see myself fiddling with devices and looking at screens instead of fiddling on a fiddle and looking at faces. So I’ve wrapped up this scanner to send back to some consumer panel; I don’t quite know why I signed up for it in the first place. My husband questioned me several times why I’d volunteer to scan all our groceries’ bar codes, and I couldn’t really say. I guess I figured that I’d be representing a healthy diet in some widespread cultural assessment of diets, but what does that even mean? Couldn’t I pick up a cookbook and cook my family something new instead?

It was some way to be included, I guess, and that’s really sad. It’s sad that we are included because of our consumerism. Every time I shop, I’m asked for my personal contact information so my purchase can be tallied onto some club or rewards service. I’d prefer to be included based on my interest in an ideal, or a cause, or a concept for betterment. I’ll have to sit down and evaluate whether I’m really getting this in my life, or if I need to improve upon that.

How are you being culturally diverted?

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